1. Small Parts Moving - Nice 'n Sleazy, Glasgow, September 2009

MR PAUL KELLY
Guitar, Vocals, Keys, 2009-

(N.B. - the initial, quoted and capitalised text comes courtesy of a Korean woman who has been cyber stalking me for around six years or more, mainly via email, Facebook and MSN/Skype)


This version of ‘Small Parts Moving’ was recorded at the launch for Malcolm Ross & The Low Miffs’ mini-album.


“PAUL KELLY I WANT YOU WITH ME AND EAT WITH ME
FOR ME CAM YOU DO IT FOR ME
I LIVE IN KOREA SEOUL”


The Hidden Masters were also on the bill.


“PAUL KELLY YES IM UGLY I LIVE IN SOUTH KOREA YOU LIVE IN UK
BUT I TALK TO YOU. IM SORRY YOU ANNOY‏”


Some of us went to a Japanese restaurant before we played.


“HEY YOU GAY ASS BITCH! WANNA FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND? CUT YOUR DICK AND DIG A HOLE UNDER IT!
YOU PUSS, GO SUCK YOUR DAD\'S DICK!, GO FUCK HIM!
GO FUCK YOUR BROTHER. HE MIGHT BE DIGGING A HOLE RIGHT NOW
HOW\'S YOUR HUSBAND? DID HE FINALLY FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE GAY?
YOU DON\'T HAVE PUSSY ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR PUSSY IS NOW FILLED”


It was the last gig of Chris Brown, the drummer of 8 or 9 years.


“I DO NOT LIKE YOU AND BUT WOOL [LU] I WHICH SHOULD WHY WILL BE THIS GREAT BRITAIN OF THIS [LE] [NUN_CI] YOU, ONLY LIVES WILL HANG FROM THIS SCOTLAND OF YOU AND TO KNOW ME ME WHO LIVE FROM FINLAND WHICH IS DISTANT QUITE LIKE THAT YOU ....”


The former Josef K/Orange Juice man told us to wrap up early, so we ended on a song unsuitable for a finale, which was a wee shame.


“PAUL KELLY SUCK MY PUSSY ^-^
YOU ARE SON OF A BITCH^-^ ”


This was the only How to Swim gig I played wearing a suit.


“MY FEEL NOW DIRTY ^-^
WHY CAUSE YOU ARE ENGLISH SO I AM ENGLISH ^-^ ”


After our set I had to run off and play keys as part of a dreadful ‘punk’ festival, which was also unfortunate.


“[TTWUNG] [TTWUNG] DID TOO BUT COMES TO BE SLENDER PLENTIFULLY. LIKE THAT ME DOES NOT SEE, YOU IN THE PENIS”


Chris took a year to replace properly.


“YOUR CANADIAN I HATE YOU
I DONT KNOW WHY I DO THIS
I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ENGLAND
AM.. I LIVE IN FINLAND.
I AM A CUNT AND YOUR PENIS”


It turned out alright in the end.